Betrayed

I feel betrayed in alot of aspects right now. How? People who I thought were my friends say things behind my back.

Suddenly my decision to become straight is a sin. How so? Is it because I'm not being true to myself? Is it because I deny who I am? Let's say I am not being true to myself. Does that make me any less of a human being? Does it mean that I'm being stupid? I am aware of my decisions and I have to be responsible enough to take it like a human being. I don't do things out on a whim. I'm not a child.

So now they hate me for becoming straight or how I've become. I am aware of the consequences. Who says that a person can change overnight? It'll take a while or even it might last forever. I don't care. It's my life and it's something I must believe in even if it's going to be painful. I have my reasons for choosing my paths in life and I'll stick by it. There's always a higher purpose for me and I plan to find and achieve it.

Whatever crap I go through, I'm still responsible for it because this is my life. This will probably be the same thing I'll teach my kids... if I ever do have kids.

I seem to remember how they've slowly eased their lives away from me until a wall has been erected. Do they even consider how much I feel right now? Do they even talk to me about it? Do they even know how much it hurts to know that whenever I change that I am judged for it? Do they know how painful it is when I am left alone while everyone enjoys a great time?

I'm beginning to feel that whenever someone displeases that person or goes beyond the standard character mindset that person built around that person, he becomes "Justin". Now I know why a wall was built. I'm someone people just can give up on no matter how much hope I place in them.

But I dont hate them. They are welcome to judge me and place their opinions. They have the right to do so.

And I won't feel bad. This is something that had to happen. Only God knows why but I'll believe in Him. I'll admit. I'm a pathetic selfish coward. But it's okay. I know my flaws. Now I'm doing something about it.

It's my fault for being eager in wanting to find a relationship, so I wont be left behind, so I wont be a geek, so I wont be lonely. Maybe this is what was needed to happen. I need to strengthen my resolve and focus on what my purpose is. Maybe because of that, I am needed to be lonely. But I keep on missing the point that I'm not alone. I've been blessed by hundreds of friends who subtly teach me diversity and life. Love takes on many forms and finding your one true love is not the only purpose we exist.